While most dogs are content with eating, play and sleeping, a thinking hound such as myself needs a little extra stimulation – and conspiracy theories are my version of doing the daily puzzle.
The Boss likes the one about Elvis being cryogenically sealed and frozen in an underground tomb so they can bring him back to life when the technology is right – but he thinks these things are funny, whereas I know them to be probably true.
For instance, the theory that Princess Diana was not, in fact, killed by a drunken chauffeur in a tunnel but knocked off by MI6 at the request of the Royal family. That sounds like the sort of thing those royals would do.
Or that JFK was assassinated by teh KGB, or more likely the mob, who wanted him out of the way. The Boss says 70% of Americans still believe JFK's assasination was a conspiracy – and so do I. And that the entire moon landing was a hoax perpetrated by NASA because the US government was so desperate to win the space race. They hired Stanley Kubrick to film a fake version - he'd had some practice with 2001: A Space Odyssey. There’s a grain of truth in these, for sure.
I’ve heard that the 9/11 attack on the twin towers was an inside job and that Hitler never died in the bunker at all – it was his double, and he had several of them. Whereas Paul McCartney DID die in 1966 and The Beatles had to use a double who looked and sang like Paul to keep the band at the top of the charts. You can pick up all the clues in their song lyrics, too.
And that fluoridation of drinking water isn’t about my teeth at all – just a way the big pharma companies can keep me and the children of the world sedated so we don’t cause trouble.
Then there’s the myth of global warming – that’s it’s all a constant repetition of bad news just to keep us miserable. And my favourite one of all – that the earth is flat. Which it is, if you think about it. Looks flat, feels flat, smells flat and acts like it’s flat. It’s flat. The Boss says there’s a Flat Earth Society that holds conferences and publishes papers on the subject.
They reckon the earth is like a disc with the Arctic in the middle and the Antarctic around the outside edge – a wall of ice to stop us falling off into the void. Now that makes sense to a dog – you don’t want to fall off the edge.
The Boss says they don’t believe in gravity either – they say the flat earth is always moving upwards, which creates the effect of things falling downwards. Either way, it works for me.
But the really spooky one is the New World Order – the Illuminati. This is the one that my hero, The Donald, keeps talking about. The New World Order is about centralised control and it's run by the elites, the Deep State, and they are keeping us all under surveillance. They are hell bent on restricting my liberty, raising your taxes and lowering everyone’s living standards, except for themselves.
And, of course, they’ve stolen the election from The Donald. It’s all rigged, a scam, a disgraceful steal. This is why The Donald keeps saying he won, while everyone else says he’s lost.
You have to admire his front. The Boss is a whimp compared to The Donald. Not even compared to. On Sunday, The Donald – without blinking – suggested the FBI and Department of Justice could be involved in the massive fraud to deny him the presidency. He says it all with a straight face. He actually believes it, by the looks of things - and that could be mildly unsettling if a dog were to worry about those things. I’m going to miss him. Woof!
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