As my devoted readers will know, I have maintained a much-admired Facebook page since October 2016 - when I could barely walk, let alone talk.
Almost as quickly as The Donald, I amassed a large following around the world – chiefly dogs, as you will appreciate – but more than 700 humans as well. Humans who valued the distilled, if not perfect, wisdom from a hound dog.
(I liked the way The Donald used “perfect” a lot, to describe his conversations with foreign leaders. I like to think I have perfect conversations with The Boss, too, even if he laughs at my pronunciation.)
I found that my Facebook followers liked funny dog videos - and even cat videos whenever something bizarre was happening to a cat.
Then, all of a sudden, one day about a year ago - when Facebook discovered I was occasionally moonlighting for a newspaper - they turned the tap off. Like, completely off.
Suddenly, my 700-odd dog-and-people-reached each week dropped to 60 or 70 – a tenth of before. Why would that be, you might ask?
The Boss suggested I may have become repetitive, tedious or both. Or, more likely, that my followers had begun to understand what a venal kind of hound I was, totally focussed on food, belly scratches, chasing balls and ducks - and more food.
I can’t see that any sensible human would regard these tendencies as shortcomings. In fact, most of The Boss’s mates can teach me a thing or two about the pursuit of pleasure.
Anyway, curtail me they did, so I lost my Facebook enthusiasm for a while and my forlorn followers have dropped to 35 on a good day. These are mainly the local dogs along the Goulburn, who want to know where the feral cats are lurking, where the campers have left dead carp on the bank to roll in and when they can find a kangaroo to chase. Not to mention how to extract a decent daily ration out of a distracted owner.
So, it was no surprise to me last week when Facebook threw down the gauntlet and shut down anything looking like news. They got rid of government stuff, charity stuff, all that miserable covid stuff and vaccination stuff too.
But all wasn’t lost: in their haste to punish the PM, the media and Australia generally, Facebook left me alone, albeit in Facebook's version of a straightjacket. As well as all the dog and cat videos and pictures of humans eating, taking selfies in funny places and being happy. I mean, everyone wants to look happy on Facebook.
The Boss thinks this will prove a winner for Facebook in the end. Since people are always looking happy on Facebook but miserable when they think about work, taxes, government and real life in general, Facebook will win the hearts, minds and wallets of the populace. Particularly the wallets.
It’s the same principle the Caesars employed, according to The Boss – they learned they could keep the Romans happily engrossed by gladiators killing each other in the arena, then getting eaten by lions. It stopped the citizens from thinking too much about their impoverished lives and causing trouble.
In the same way, Facebook serves up an endless spectacle, with the algorithm giving the punters more and more of what they like to click on. And the longer they stay on Facebook, the more ads they have to watch. "We're amusing ourselves to death, General," The Boss mutters.
Preserving good sense - if not saving the world - will therefore be up to dogs.
We dogs don’t buy the algorithm. You can’t kid a dog with a fake bone or a fake ball or a fake scratch. And you can only distract a dog until he smells it isn’t real.
And here’s what’s real: a dog wakes to the dawn chorus when the birds announce they have survived another night and are proudly showing off their finest song. It’s like the pre-game entertainment at the ‘G – there’s no aggravation, no predators working, just a sweet calmness before the action starts. Whatever the weather, birds and dogs alike are pleased to have a chance at another day.
There’s fresh air, smells on the breeze, another walk or wander and a bite to eat, all going well. A tumble in the grass, a dip in the river and a bit of play.
The only thing I have to worry about is The Boss’s ever-increasing screen time – one of these days he’s going to stay glued to the screen all day and forget to feed me. Woof!
The General is The Boss’s dog. His blog appears first in countrynews.com.au every Tuesday – or follow him on Facebook @TheBossesDog.
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