A rare few hounds, however – and I count myself among them – took the opportunity for deep self-reflection, seeing the chance to better both the canine and the human conditions.
What could I do, I asked myself, to improve me? And, in turn, to improve the world?
The Boss thought there were lots of things I could do of a behavioural nature but, of course, I was meditating on concepts at a higher level.
I want to tell you that I have finally emerged from this soul-searching - as a woke dog. For the perplexed among you, that is the term for an aware, new-age dog or person who is truly "awake."
Despite being a red-blooded hunting dog, I have now eschewed the blood sports forever. With duck opening coming up this weekend, I haven’t told The Boss that he’ll have to swim after his own ducks but I remain steadfast and unshakeable in my new calling.
Hence, my enlightened and empathetic response to the current controversy about “chest feeding.”
I know, I know…. it was always “breast feeding.” My Mum, Queenie, sits firmly in that realm of nomenclature, insisting that I was not only breast fed but took advantage of it in gluttonous fashion, shouldering my siblings out of the way in my quest to reach the most bountiful nipple.
But that was The General of the past. The former General. The ex-General. Now, the new General, the present General - is a different dog, aware and sensitive to others and, above all, inclusive.
It is this commitment to diversity and inclusivity that has led me to endorse the idea of chest-feeding for all, as you can see in the lovely illustration we have here. The multiple ways we can enjoy chest-feeding bring tears to my eyes.
And to Queenie’s. She was desperate to get rid of her brood once we grew a few tiny sharp teeth at three weeks and she can’t understand why anyone other than the obligated mother would want to take it on.
Being enlightened, however, I can see the joy in the idea of two Dads figuring out how to lactate, or two Mums nursing with the non-birthing Mum learning to lactate as well. Or they could use some donor milk instead.
How sweet is it to see a Trans Dad working on lactating so he can share the chest-feeding duties with the birth Mum?
While there are eight different possibilities for chest-feeding here, they haven’t even started exploring the possibilities once we dogs are included, as we should be in a perfect inclusive world. I could lactate too, with some creative medication.
The idea of being a lactating mother briefly appeals to me, insofar as I could get a bit of my own back on Queenie – who took another piece out of my ear last week. She’s been on my case, more or less every day, for nearly seven years.
But my new woke instincts have driven me to a more noble destination – the moral high ground. This is the natural place for me to end up. And having arrived here, I rejected the temptation to be a "she" and have chosen instead to identify as a “they.”
I haven’t told The Boss this either: it could be a rough week. Woof!
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