But my affection is under pressure this week, with the growling at the dog park all about Alan Joyce and his tail-wagging $3.8 million “going away” bonus from Qantas. Yes, you heard right — three point eight million biscuits for a man who’s already left the yard, while the rest of the pack is still howling about the mess he left behind.
Now, imagine you’ve just chewed up the entire backyard, buried a few shoes and left suspicious puddles on the lounge room carpet. Next thing you know, your human gives you a mountain of treats, pats you on the head, and says, “Well done, old boy, have a holiday!”
I can tell you it doesn’t happen in The Boss’s house, but welcome to the wild world of executive bonuses — Qantas style!
Alan, the former Top Dog at Qantas, is trotting off with pockets stuffed fuller than a Labrador’s cheeks at Christmas. It brings to $117m his total remuneration for his 15 years as chief executive of the flying kangaroo.
His last long-term incentive payment was helped along by a booming share price, compliments of his successor, Vanessa Hudson, whom he left to deal with a court case with the ACCC, a record penalty for illegally sacking 1800 workers and a large bunch of unhappy customers, including The Boss.
While the Qantas board rewarded Alan for shepherding the airline through COVID-19 and ending with a record profit (thanks partly to the taxpayer-funded JobKeeper) The Boss remembers the pain of trying to recover his credits for flights cancelled during the pandemic.
When he went to re-book, he found the credits had to be used on the exact same flights, or the credit was worth half the current fare.
But back to the bones of the matter: Alan’s extra $3.8 million came in the form of 300,000 shares vesting, which is enough to buy a lifetime’s supply of gourmet dog treats, a custom-built kennel with air-conditioning, and a tennis ball launcher that never misses. Or, in the world of humans, a golden parachute for retiring CEOs, no matter how many muddy paw prints they leave in the hallway.
Meanwhile, his successor, Vanessa, had her bonus docked his year by $250,000 — there’s a pile of gourmet treats in there too — as punishment for the cyberattack in June that stole the personal details of The Boss and 5.7 million other Australians.
Poor Vanessa. She only took home $6.3 million, a paltry sum compared to the $23.9 million Alan pocketed in 2018, since when the airline’s reputation has gone from pedigree to “a bit of a mongrel”.
The board’s report said that, while investigations into the hack might take some time and could result in other “outworkings”, it was important the remuneration consequences be dealt with this year.
In other words, no matter what incompetence the investigation reveals or the cost of any class action, it’s all in the past for executive bonuses.
The General’s advice to the Qantas board? Next time, before you toss the treat, check if the tricks have been done. Did the dog sit, shake and roll over, or just knock over the bin and run for the hills?
Until then, may your bowls be full and your airline tickets refundable — and remember: in the great kennel of life, always sniff before you leap. Maybe try Singapore, or United, or Qatar, or Cathay. Woof!
