This is not part of the deal, as I see it. I prefer a quid pro quo, as they say: something for something.
Using the patronising tone that only humans do well, he tells me it is good for my personal development.
“A noble hound of your breeding should be happy to do things without thought of reward, General.”
“So,” he goes on, “why not exceed my expectations?”
Between you and me, I have been vastly exceeding his expectations since the day I was born. He wanted a mere dog, but what he got was an athlete, a force of nature, an alpha-male dog for whom no bone is too big to chew.
You’d think he would be intensely focused on exceeding my expectations, particularly with Christmas just around the corner.
Whereas he seems to think I’ll be satisfied with a few lumps of cold, dried-out turkey and stale ham, what I am thinking is something rather more ambitious, like this two-storied doghouse I saw posted on TikTok the other day.
This caring, compassionate dog owner, in her account called @Chipgirlhere, shows off what I consider to be a suitable doghouse, which has a ladder to climb up on the outside of the home as well as a dog slide that comes out from one of the rooms.
She is no doubt thinking about a splash pool at the bottom of the slide as well.
Inside the kennel, she has adorned the rooms with Christmas decorations, a fluffy dog bed, a couch with bright red and white cushions, two settees as well as a television.
Up the wooden stairs, there's a netted seating area, a microwave and a mini fridge in which the owner keeps her dog treats for her two golden retrievers — the selection of which is clearly her only lapse of judgement.
The whole space is bathed in natural light, owing to the many windows on all four walls of the home — but there are lamps to light up the doghouse in the evening.
Needless to say, the dogs seem quite content with the new arrangements, and I could see myself adapting to this kind of environment in two or three minutes.
However, should The Boss venture down this track, I would be insisting on a deck jutting out from the first floor, where I could sun myself in the early mornings.
Instead of the Christmas decorations, perhaps something more lasting, something retro, like a juke box, would be a useful addition, along with one of those big recliner chairs that vibrate to give a dog a massage.
In case The Boss balks at exceeding my expectations this way, I will alert him to the luxury dog manors being offered by London builders Hecate Verona, costing up to $320,000. Their comfort features are another step above, with heating and airconditioning, sound systems and on-demand dispensers for water and snacks.
Fat chance, of course. As one of The Boss’s mates is inclined to say: “Lower your expectations — and you won’t be disappointed.” Woof!
The General is The Boss’s dog. For more yarns, visit sheppnews.com.au/thegeneral
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